Mak said: Once upon a time, in the face of today's literature on the hustle and bustle of shallow friends sad question, I will often say, at least there is a sheng taken from the outside to the stars and fragrant fruit cents secret to our taste; Once upon a time, in the face reporter preoccupied with high and low for the royalties, I will often say how much work should never royalties Hero, for example, the works of Shi Tie sales are now not very good, but he works with every word I have as a reading ... ...
this long ago in 2010, the last day in the snow aging into a lonely silence of the white and pain. burst of bitter sorrow and grief could not contain me down in the chair back, suddenly become a walking time lag while the body of heavy pressure on a myriad of me in my doing some of the talk did not elaborate, so long I can not make the details of the peace. so mad in the blood Pentium numb the brain, Take me back to the years of the fall, a pair of mysterious hand smiles in my heart of gold spent on Borneo and aromatic with a golden blossoming.
Mindful of this, I understood why he was not told the world: When the season opened in early morning glory, had sounded the horn funeral . His words hold up the backbone of strong and bright, have long been ready for the final normalization buzzing silence. just take a person away by the huge gap, but I do not know whether there are late to the guests to continue this sound Youyuan sigh. Ten years, five years or a hundred years away from ... ... wait - this is not important, it is important that we cherish a heart full of admiration and gratitude.
12 月 31 morning sheng around four writers, died of illness, and 2010, with the left.
me to the altar with a
sheng
quite a few novels I have mentioned in an abandoned ancient garden, is in fact the altar. Many years ago, tourism has not carried out, the garden was like a cold barren wilderness, very little is remembered.
to the altar away from my house. or very close to my home away from the altar. In short, had to think is fate. to the altar four hundred years before I was born sits there, and since my grandmother was young with my father came to Beijing, has been living in a place not far from it - lived in the fifty-plus years home several times, can be moved around always around it, and the more removed it gets closer. I often feel that the middle of a fatalistic sense of taste: as if it is to wait for my old garden, and suffered a lot in there waiting for four hundred years.
it waits for I was born, and then wait for the most arrogant I live to age suddenly crippled legs. four hundred years, it eroded the ancient temple of glass exaggerated eaves, walls of light faded the door show off the red, some section of the wall collapse and destroyed the jade puzzle Diaolan scattered, the old altar surrounded by dark green cypress trees are becoming increasingly quiet, full of lush grass shortage was comfortable rattan are also magnanimous. this time I must have come out of the . Fifteen years ago, one afternoon, I Yaozhelunyi into the garden, it is a man driven to distraction everything ready. At that time, the sun follow the path of everlasting is getting bigger and more red . In the quiet garden filled with light, a person more likely to see the time, and saw his own shadow.
since that afternoon I stumbled into this garden, had it since a long time to leave it. I suddenly to understand its intentions. As I mentioned in a novel: disability after the first few years, I can not find work, can not find the path, suddenly can not find almost anything, and I always roll a wheelchair to go to it there, only the one of the world there is another escape one of the world. I wrote in that story: , commuting time, some people from taking a shortcut through the garden, while active in the garden, after which it subsided. to back down to the ground, sitting or lying down, reading a book or want to do, break off branches of a tree branch about a beat, like me, do not drive away those who want to come to this world to understand why a small insect. Duo poised to stop a small fog in the air; ants Yaotouhuangnao stroked tentacles, suddenly think through what, Fleet of Foot turned away; ladybug crawl impatient, tired, they sent away back to the wings of a prayer, 忽悠 about l empty; keep a cicada on the trunk, like a lonely, empty rooms; dew in the grass on the rolling, gathering, bent grass Shuaikai ten thousand burst of gold fell to the ground. came up with the ring, rustling endless moment. It looked from every angle, every tree next to the altar, I have been to almost every meter of its grass and India have had my wheels. No matter what season, what the weather, time, I have in this garden Lane spent. Sometimes a few moments to go home, sometimes to stay until the moon light on both the floor. can not remember what it is in the corner, and I want to spend hours absorbed in something on the death, but also In the same patience and thought about why I was born way. This thought for several years, the last thing finally figured out: a man born, and this is no longer an issue for debate, but only to his God a fact; God to us, when this fact has been the way to ensure that its results, so death is not anxious to do something, death will inevitably come to a festival. so then I thought more than peace of mind , and in front of all the not so terrible. For example, you get up early to stay up late for the exam, suddenly thought of a long holiday waiting in front of you, you will not feel a little easier? and thankful and grateful for such an arrangement?
remaining problem is how to live, which is not in one moment can completely think through, not one to solve the matter, afraid of how long it is long to live either on the order, and like with you life of the devil, or lover. So, fifteen years, I always get to the ancient garden, next to its old trees or weeds or the decadent side of the wall next to Mozuo, to Dai Xiang, to open the ears reasonable grounds noisy chaos of a mind to peep his own heart and soul. fifteen years, the shape of the ancient garden was deliberately not understand who carved it, but fortunately some things no one can change any of it. For example, in the altar Shihmen sunset, brilliant tile moment of silence, on the ground have been ups and downs of each mapping was brilliant; example, in the garden of the most lonely time, a group of Swift will come out and sing, the world called Hande desolation; such as the winter snow child footprints, leads people to guess who they are, has done what where, and then all went to where to go; such as those Cang Cooper black, you sad when they stood there calmly, when you are happy they still stood there calmly, they stood there day and night, from your station has not been born into this world was not any of your time; such as the Pro Park sudden storm, the waves stirred up strong and pure burning the smell of vegetation and soil, reminiscent of countless summer events; example, suddenly to autumn, and then have an early frost, leaves, or sway in the wind or calm nestled dance, garden spread the Yutie and slightly bitter in taste. taste is clear, the taste can not write can only smell, they want you to hear to understand immersive. taste even difficult to remember, only you and remember you can smell it all the emotion and meaning it. So I often go to that garden.
two
Now I think, when I always went alone to the altar, had given the mother what kind of problem out.
she is not the kind of light will not know how to love his son to understand his son's mother. She knew my heart's anguish, knowing that should not stop me to get out, know that I am staying at home if the results will be worse, but she also worried that I am a person in that desolate garden thinking in all day. I was grumpy the extreme, as is often crazy to leave home, since the garden and came back in the magic that you do not even like. mother know that some things should not be asked, they hesitated to ask and finally dared to ask, because she did not mind the answer. She thought I would not wish me to go with her, so she never been asked before, she knew to give me a little time alone may have such a process. She just does not know how long this process was, and the end of this process really is. Every time I want to leave, she would help me without a word, ready to help me on a wheelchair, to see I roll out a car yard Abduction; it will happen after her, when I never thought about.
car once I roll out of the yard, think of what a Fan Shen and back, saw his mother was still standing in situ or send me travel time position, watching I turned out that the small courtyard to the corner office, actually a moment in my back did not respond. until she sent me out again, she said: look at the book, I say, very good. died, I have spare time vision, when I'm not home that long period of time, how she was restless and rather difficult to sit, and the pain and fear and pray for a minimum of a mother. Now I can conclude that, to her intelligence and perseverance, in the empty night after falling during the day, in that after the sleepless night the day, she thought to want to go to the final must have said to himself: own, in that if he really wants something out of the garden, which I had no choice but to bear the suffering. been prepared for the worst, but she never said to me: the mother thought he was the fate of hit dizzy, as one thought it was one of the world's most unfortunate, do not know where his son is always unfortunate to double the mother. She has a long to the age of the son on the sudden paraplegia This is her only son; her paraplegic rather than his own son, but this thing can not be replaced; she wants, as long as his son could survive even if it is also OK to die, but she has convinced a person can not just alive, the son must have a road to their own happiness; and this road it, no one can guarantee that her son was finally able to find .-- a mother, is destined to live the most bitter mother.
once and A writer friend, I asked him to study the initial motivation for writing what? He thought a moment and said: motivation, although not like this friend is so simple, but if he wishes as I have, and upon pondering, found that the desire of all the motives are also accounted for a large proportion. The friend said: The motivation is too vulgar, right? envy my mother. legs crippled son, or that it is not so simple.
a story in my head, when published, the first time in my award-winning novel in those days, I really wish my mother was still alive. I blamed for not spent at home, and spent whole days alone to go to the altar, my heart is not the end of the first depressed and sad no, go the whole garden, but how could not understand: why can not his mother live more years? why her son is about to open a road crash when she was suddenly unable to go? Could she come to this world only to concern for his son, but not the share my little happiness? She hurried away only when I went to Forty-year-old it! have so for a while, I even God the world is full of hatred and disgust. then I in an article entitled woods, close your eyes, think that God, his mother why the early church home? long, long time, drowsily, I heard the answer: 'her heart bitter, God could not bear to see her, and to call her back . 'I seem to got a little comfort, opened his eyes and saw the wind is across from the woods. , the mother was in great suffering and a deep and thorough penetration of my heart. God's consideration, may be right.
Yaozhuolunyi slowly in the garden, but also cover the early morning fog, but also the sun hanging high in the day, I just want one thing: his mother was gone. In the old cypress tree next to the stop on the grass to stop the wall in the decadent, but also insects everywhere afternoon, but also a homing bird evening, I heart meditation only one sentence: But the mother was gone. to back down to the ground, lie down, Sishuifeishui wait until sunset, to sit up, mind trance, staring straight sat on the altar covered with dark and ancient then gradually float the moonlight, and my heart just a little bit to understand, the mother can not come look for me in this park.
there had been lots of times, I stayed in the garden too long, the mother came to me. She came to I do not want me to find that, as long as I see the good in the garden, she quietly turned back. I saw her back several times. I also saw a few back to the scene she looked around her poor eyesight, focus on the mirror side of a boat looking for the sea, she did not see me, I have seen her until I saw she saw me I do not see her again after a while I looked up she saw her slowly leavin. I do not know how much alone time she did not find me. Once I was sitting in the bushes, trees, very close, I saw she did not find me; her a man walking in the garden, through my side, through some of the places I often stay, walking confusion, and urgency. I do not know how long she has to find a long look, I do not know why I chose not to call her - but by no means a child of hide and seek, which Perhaps the boys grew out of stubbornness or shy? but stubborn left me only remorse, took no pride. I really want to warn all the boys grow up, do not follow this stubborn mother, do not even shy, I've got it but I was too late.
son wanted to make his mother proud, this feeling is too real, after all, in order to cause that image. This is a complex issue, and leave it a strike. With the thrill of award-winning daily bleak novel, I began to believe that at least one thing I was wrong: I use pen and paper in the press opening of a collision Road, is a mother does not expect me to find that path. in years this month, I have come to the garden, I have to think on lodging, mother looking forward to the road in the end I found what is. the mother did during his lifetime left me with what philosophy Meaningful words, or want me to adhere to the teachings, but after her death, her difficult fate, will and perseverance of love unobtrusive, as time goes by, in my mind even more clearly profound.
a year in October, the wind turning the leaves from the quiet, I read in the garden, heard the two walking man said: so much a garden, in which you want to find her son, the mother through the number of anxious way. Over the years I first became aware that the garden is not only everywhere through my rut, and there was a place of my rut both had the mother's footprints.
three
if the time of day to correspond to the four seasons, of course, spring in the morning, noon, summer, autumn dusk, winter night. If the instrument to correspond to the four seasons, I think spring should be a trumpet, timpani summer, autumn is the cello, horn and flute winter. If to this the sound of the garden to the corresponding four quarters of it? Well, spring is the dove floating above the altar of the whistle, summer is long cicada song and poplar leaves at full blast making fun of cicada songs, the autumn wind eaves ancient temple bell, winter is the woodpeckers pecking at random and empty wood sound. to the corresponding scene in the Four Seasons Park, the spring is sometimes pale and sometimes a Path Black Run the road, the sky sometimes clear and sometimes sway a string of Yin Hui YANG Hua; summer is a stone bench section bright and scorching, or cool and covered with moss of stone steps, under a peel-order, order on was sitting half a sheet of crumpled newspaper; autumn is a bronze bell, on the northwest corner of the garden has been discarded with a large bronze bell, bronze bell with the general age of this garden, the whole body covered with green rust, the text is not clear ; winter, is clearing the old fluffy feathers on a few sparrows. the state of mind corresponding to the four seasons it? Spring is a season confined to bed, otherwise it easy to find cruelty and desire for the spring; summer, lovers should be in this season of love, or else Sorry seems to love; fall to buy a potted plant from the outside to go home, put the flowers in the absence of the home, and opened the window and the sunlight into the room, slowly slowly finishing recall some of the things sent a mold; accompanied by the stove in winter and books, over and over firm determination to die, do not write the letter issued. You can also use the art form corresponding to the four seasons, this is a picture of spring, summer is a novel, fall is a short song or poetry, winter is a group of sculptures. to dream? to dream it corresponds to the four seasons? spring Shujian cry on, cry in the summer rain, autumn is rain in the land, winter is a clean land alone pipe.
because this garden, I always grateful for their own destiny.
I even can now clearly see, if one day I had to leave it long, how I would miss it, how I would miss it and dreamed it would happen because I did not dare miss it and dream a dream not see it.
four
Now let me see, fifteen years to adhere to this garden to people who are it? seems only me and a pair of old people.
Fifteen years ago, which the elderly can only be considered middle-aged couple, I was a genuine youth. They are always in the twilight walk to the park, I is not clear they are confused which side of the garden gate came from, in general, they are counter-clockwise walk around the garden. men tall, Shoulder legs, walking looked straight ahead and above the hip until the very back of the neck Direct fixed; his wife climbed an arm of his walk, his upper body does not make a little lax. woman has short stature, it is not pretty, and I no reason to believe that she will consist in the decline came from the door of the rich family; She climbed on the arm of her husband like a delicate child, she looked around his mouth when the general fear, she whispered conversation with her husband, saw someone approached sheepishly admitted to Buddist immediately. I think sometimes because of them, Rana Let and Ke Saite, but this idea is not consolidated, they are a look that is known to be an old married couple. two people are considered as dressed in elegant, but because of the evolution of the times, their clothing and can be called simple. They were my like this garden to almost all weather, but they more than I on time. what time I could come, they are definitely in the evening is the time. windy days, when they wore a beige trench coat when it rained, they to play a black umbrella in the summer of their shirt is black and white or beige pants, and winter coats and woolen they are black, presumably they just like the three colors. They counter-clockwise around the garden a week, and then left. They passed me with only a man's footsteps ring, attached to the tall woman like her husband who follow the drift. I believe they have impressed me, but we have not said, we do not like each other close to that. fifteen years, they may notice a young man entering middle age, I watched a pair of middle-aged couple unconsciously envy the elderly into two.
there had been a loving singing boy, he is also the garden every day to this, to sing, sing for many years, and later disappeared. his age and I am similar to most of the morning he came to sing to sing a half-hour or a whole morning, it is estimated In another time, he had to go to work. We often encounter small road east of the altar, I knew he was going to sing to the southeast corner of the wall, he must have guessed I went to the northeast corner of the woods do. I found my place, pumping a few cigarette, he heard his voice carefully sorting. He sang it over and over again a few songs. Cultural Revolution did not last when he sang run ... ... le! I was happy to sing songs ... ... his voice is quite bad, but also can not find a morning to sing a little tired. The sun is not tired, narrowing into a ball to the shadow of trees, dried the earthworm negligence in a small way. almost noon, we are at the altar east meet, he look at me, I look at him, he went north, I went south. time goes by, I feel we have the desire to know, but it seems do not know how to speak, so watch each other about passing the end they are both looked away; this number more than one, even more do not know how to speak. Then one day - a day did not feature, and we nodded to each other. He said: good. have to slow down (in fact, I was slow in front of), would like to say a few words, but still do not know where to start, so we have gone through each other, they have to reverse the body for each other. He said: ; it Goodbye. On that day he probably intended to say goodbye, perhaps he was admitted to Which professional art troupe or ensembles, right? really hope that he, as he sings a song as good luck paid.
Others I can think of some of this in the garden often to the people. an old man, considered as a real drinker; his waist hung a flat vase, filled with the wine bottle, of course, often to spend an afternoon in this park time. He shopping around in the garden, if you are not careful you would think that the park has several old man, so you've seen a situation like his drinking prowess, you will believe this is a unique old man. His dress too casually, walking posture is not careful, took five-meter road will select a place, a foot on a stone bench or earth mound or stump, took off his waist in the bottle, hangover The moment fans bottles hundred and eighty degrees from the eye to view the scene was to see a thin, and with lightning speed poured wine into the belly of a big mouth, shake the bottle and then hung to the waist, calm What to think for a while, then went down to a five-meter. There is also a birder man, and that years of human small garden, but many birds, the trees in the northwest corner he pulled a net, bird hit above, feathers in the closure will be unable to extricate themselves in the mesh. He alone so many past and now a very rare bird, the bird hit the other he took them off the Internet to let go, he said, not until many years have been kind of rare bird, he said that he wait another year to see in the end there any kind of bird, and he waited for several years. the morning and evening, in this garden you can see a middle-aged women engineers; morning she from north to south to work through this garden, in the evening she was from south to north through this garden home. In fact, I do not know her occupation, or education, but I thought she must be the intellectuals studied engineering in school, a different kind of person is difficult to there she is so naive and elegance. When she walk through time in the garden, surrounded by woods also seems to be more quiet, light a distant sun in the Jing Si piano, for instance, is Nagqu not seen her husband, the lucky man not seen what it was like, I imagined but could not imagine, then suddenly understand not imagine we go, the man is best not to appear. her out of the north gate to go home , I am actually a bit worried, fearing she would fall into the kitchen, but maybe she crafts scene in the kitchen another beauty, more, of course, no longer is My friend, he is the most talented long-distance home, but he was buried. He for the gaffe in the Cultural Revolution to sit in prison for years, came out finally found a pull-dray work, everything treatment can not be equal with others, will practice long-distance running was very depressed. At that time he always ran to the garden, I used the watch for his time. He ran a lap of each stroke to start with me, I will remember next time. Every time he to run twenty laps around the garden, about twenty thousand meters. he looked forward to his long-distance running performance to get real political liberation, he thought reporters lens and text can help him do this. first year of his New Year run on the fifteenth race around the city name, he saw pictures of the top ten are hung in the Chang'an Avenue in the news window, so with confidence. Secondly, he ran fourth, but the news just hung windows the top three photos, he did not lose heart. Third, he ran seventh in the top six of the pictures hanging in the window, he was somewhat blame myself. He ran third in the fourth year, only hung windows the first photo. The first five years he ran the first place - he was almost desperate, and windows around the city, only one tournament the people scenes photos. those years we were together often stay in this garden to the dark , hearty scolding, Ma Wan silent home, breaking up and then told each other: do not die first, and then try to live a live look. now that he has not run, and age is too great, not run as fast. participate in around the city last race of his age and thirty-year-old won the first prize and a record, there is a professional coach said to him: His wry smile and said nothing, only that the garden in the evening to find me again, this matter calmly over to my narrative. not seen him for several years, and now he and his wife and son live in very remote areas.
these people now do not come to the garden, the garden is almost complete for a number of new people. Fifteen years ago the old one, now leaving me and that on the old couple. there was a period of time, which Suddenly an old married couple has not come, twilight CD man to walk alone, also significantly slow a lot of walking, I suspended the heart for a long time, for fear that the woman what happened. Fortunately, the woman had a winter and here, two people are still anti-clockwise around the garden setting, a long, one short of the two clocks is like two figure pointer; woman's hair is white a lot, but still climbs like a child, her husband's arm and go. Pan unfortunately, little girl. fifteen years ago, that afternoon, I first came to this garden to see her, when she was about three years old, squatted on the road fast picking up the small house west of the tree falling small lantern. yellow, mature, falling on the floor. small lantern is too delicate care, adults can not help but pick up a must pick one. little girl babbling to talking with their own, while picking up a small lantern; her good voice, not her is so common at that age are tapered, but a very mellow or even heavy, perhaps because of that afternoon in the garden too quiet. I wonder how such a small child that a man ran up the garden ? I asked her child live? she casually refers to the look, and called, her brother, along the foot of the wall would stand along the Mau Tso into a seven-year-old boy looked at me, look at me like bad to him, sister said: large trees in that I often see them under the tree Luan, brother and sister always play together, and play live in harmony, all began to grow too big. After many years of not seeing them. I think they are in school now little girls to school age, must be the farewell to childhood days, there are not many opportunities to play here. this is normal, no reason to put too much in mind, if not a year I see them in the garden, certainly will gradually forget them.
It was a Sunday morning. It was a sunny and heartbreaking morning, many years later, I actually found that pretty little girl turned out to be a mentally handicapped child. I shook car Koelreuteria go to that big trees, the earth covered with just another season of small lanterns; when I was the one suffering from the end of the novel, I do not know why is it only as an end, and I do not know why all of a sudden do not want it there as an end, then came out from home, want to rely on the Park in the calm, to see whether we should put that story up. I just stop the car to see not far in front of several people tease a girl, to make strange way to scare her, calling her laughing, chasing her block, girls in between the trees to hide around looking in dismay, but volume in the bosom of Bu Songshou pulling skirts, with bare legs may also wish to mm without notice. I see the girl's intelligence is some defect, but has not yet seen who she was. I'm going to drive the front for the girls rescue, quickly ride to see the distance to the young man, so that several tease girls guy Wangfengertao. lad sticks his bike near the girl, looked at a few scattered fled angry guy, silent breathing heavily, his face as if the sky before a storm than for a pale. then I think out of them, boys and girls was the same year that the small brothers and sisters. I almost uttered a cry in my heart, or cry. things of the world often make God's motives become questionable. young man went to his sister. Girl Song open hand, were drawn along skirt down, she picked up many, many small lanterns will be spilled over the ground, spread scattered at her feet. she is still considered beautiful, but there is no glory hysteresis eyes. She stared looking crowd had fled guy, looking ahead in the empty place, with her intelligence will never be put in this world want to see? large trees, broken light scattered, small lanterns wind blew rolling over and over, as if the dumb to ringing numerous small bells. brother help his sister on the bike seat, with her and go home without a word.
Silence is right. If God has a beautiful and mentally these two things gave this little girl to Only silence and go home right.
who can put the world like a understand? the world is unbearable to say many things. You can complain about why God gave it to drop a lot of human suffering, you can also the struggle to eradicate all kinds of difficulties, and enjoys a high and proud for this, but if you want to step more deeply you will fall in the confusion of the: If the world is not the suffering, the world can also exist? if it is not dull, What a glorious wit it? If not the ugly, pretty, how to maintain their lucky? Without the poor and humble, kind and noble, how will the U.S. define themselves and how to become ...
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